Rules to live by in the Narutoverse
by EDelta88
Summary: All those fun little musings, tips, bits of wisdom, and natural laws of the Narutoverse as discovered and recorded by random characters. Rated T for language and mature references.
1. Kumo Survivor's First Law

Disclaimer

I don't own Naruto or any of the references I make.

Now if anyone feels they have an idea they'd like to see me write for this feel free to leave a review or PM me about it and I'll see what I can do.

Enjoy,

Delta

**Kumo Survivor's First Law**

A ninja village should never truly and wholly piss off Uzumaki Naruto.

Why?

Because…

He will launch a Kage Bunshin over said village.

Said Bunshin will use Taju Kage Bunshin no jutsu and thus blacken the skies with vengeful Narutos.

All of these new Bunshin will then proceed to rain all manner of things pointy and destructive (kunai, shuriken, explosive notes, etc) down upon the offending village as they fall.

Then as said the Bunshin reach the ground they will all perform Bunshin Daibakuha after performing at least one highly destructive ninjutsu.

End result?

A lot of damage caused in the space of one to two minutes that will take months to repair, a body count in the higher triple digits, and other such daunting statistics.

-Thoughts of a Kumo survivor after the second failed attempt to kidnap Hyuuga Hinata


	2. A Reason To Fear Death

**A Reason to Fear Death**

Most people are afraid to die, this is because we don't know what happens when we die and we instinctually fear the unknown.

This is not true for the majority of the population of Konohagakure no Sato. Though they are, like most others, afraid to die it is for a very different reason.

They don't fear leaving their families because Konoha takes care of its own and they know that they will see them again. Nor do they fear the loss of their possessions and treasures as it is what these things represent that makes them important. In fact it is not what they leave behind that worries them... it is what, or more accurately who, waits for them beyond the veil.

They are afraid because when they die they have to face Namikaze Minato and tell him that they did not heed his dieing wish.

They are afraid and they should be... I know I am.

-The musings of Sarutobi Hiruzen, the Sandaime Hokage as he passes on after his final battle with orochimaru


	3. Of Fuses and Females

**Of Fuses and Females**

People, like bombs, have fuses. It would stand to reason that it would be a very good idea to be farther away when the bomb with the longer fuse goes off.

Why?

Well why would you put a longer fuse on a bomb? Well, to be further away when it goes off of course. A longer fuse generally means bigger consequences whether it be the explosion or the reaction to the explosion.

Now, apply this concept to people. The saying "It's always the quiet ones" comes to mind. The "long fuse" would have the effect of the "quiet one" building up suppressed anger and other such emotions that would not be released until the person finally lost their temper in one spectacular rampage.

Once one comes to this conclusion it seems rather obvious. Sadly, it would seem that the prerequisite to come to said conclusion is that one must witness or be the target of such a loss of temper.

-The musings of Hyuuga Hiashi as he watches his daughter Hinata destroy one of the clan elders.


	4. Secrets of the Toad Sage: Part 1

**Secrets of the Toad Sage**

While traveling with Ero-sennin I noticed something strange. While he was capable of mopping the floor with numerous seasoned ninja simultaneously and with relative ease he never seemed to be able to escape the mobs of vengeful civilian women who came after him when they caught him peeping.

Actually, the fact that they could catch him in the first place was what got me thinking. How is it that a group of untrained civilian women could detect him, let alone _catch _him? The only conclusion I could come to was that, for whatever reason, he wanted to be caught.

For the longest time I couldn't figure out why he would let them catch him in the first place, let alone let them beat the shit out of him. I mean, who wants to take a beating like that? Then I noticed a pattern. It seemed that every time that there were some particularly attractive "specimens" the women would catch him peeping.

It was that revelation and the fact that it only seemed to happen when they were civilians (meaning they wouldn't be able to do significant damage) that put it together for me. He was letting them catch him so that he could get "up close and personal," after that I even noticed him subtly copping feels as they beat the crap out of him.

Sometimes I question whether or not my sensei was born with self preservation instincts...

-Uzumaki Naruto reminiscing about his late sensei


	5. The Happenings of Team Naruto: Part 1

**The Happenings Of Team Naruto: Part 1**

1. I am the Lord of War, the wrathful god of combat and I shall always lead you from the front and not the rear.

2. I will treat you all alike. Just. Like. Shit.

3. Thou shalt do nothing I would not do first and thus will you be made warriors in my deadly image. By the same thou shalt do as I say not as I do, for I am more durable.

4. I shall punish thy bodies because the more thou sweatest in training the less thou bleedest in combat.

5. Indeed if thou hurtist in thy efforts and thou suffer painful dings thou art doing it right.

6. Thou hast not to like it, thou hast just to do it.

7. Thou shalt keep it simple, stupid.

8. Thou shalt never assume for in thine mistaken conclusion thou shalt be made a very dead ass.

9. Verily thou art not paid for thy methods, but for thy results, by which meaneth thou shalt killith thine enemy before he killith you by any means available.

10. Thou shalt always in thine shinobi's mind and soul remember my ultimate and final commandment: There are no rules, thou shalt win at all costs.

-The Ten Commandments of Naruto-sensei


	6. The Happenings of Team Naruto: Part 2

**Happenings of Team Naruto: Part 2**

My sensei's wife is evil.

Sure she's nice, and caring, and beautiful but beneath that quiet exterior lies a very twisted sense of humor. Must have something to do with being raised a Hyuuga, all those repressed feelings or something. Then again she is married to Naruto-sensei so I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm getting off topic.

Anyway, as I was saying, my sensei's wife is just as sadistic as her husband. "Why?" do you ask? Because she let us learn the hard way why you should never, ever, EVER, throw a surprise party for a ninja, especially not a Kage level ninja, and especially not one as high-strung and prone to overkill as Naruto-sensei.

I know, I know, we should have known better but...wait a sec why didn't he throw any weapons at...Hinata...sama...crap we've been had... again.

Stupid sensei and stupid sensei's wife and their stupid roundabout and painful teaching methods and these stupid white walls.

-Thoughts of Uchiha Itachi, son of Uchiha Sasuke, as he sat in his hospital bed


	7. Kumo Survivor's Second Law

**Kumo Survivor's Second Law**

A ninja village should never have civilians in a position of power.

Why?

Because they do not understand the realities of ninja life and warfare.

They do not understand that just because it "worked in the past" does not mean it will work again.

They do not understand that there is nothing "conventional" about ninja warfare.

They do not understand that rarely does anything become "personal" between ninja but that a direct attack on a family is a very bad idea.

They do not understand that such things as "pride" have no place in ninja life, much less should they be upheld.

They do not understand that throwing a tantrum by declaring war when you did not get your way is the pinnacle of stupidity.

And lastly, they do not understand that it is a _very **bad**_ idea to declare war on a village whose leader not only holds a personal grudge against you because you tried to kidnap his _wife,_ but: single handedly brought your village to its knees in less than five minutes, is acknowledged as the most powerful ninja of the time, and can be anywhere and everywhere nine different ways whenever it strikes his fancy.

-Thoughts of a Kumo survivor after the civilian council of Kumo declared war on Konoha in retaliation for Uzumaki Naruto's 'Terrorist Actions', Konoha accepted Kumo's unconditional surrender two weeks later


	8. A Revelation

**A Revelation  
**

So there I was, in the middle of a mission bored out of my mind... That's never good, strange shit happens when I'm bored.

Anyway I'm sitting in a tree watching some caravan that my team and I are supposed to guard and my mind starts to wander. Then, somehow, I end up thinking about Kyuubi. Usually I get all broody and angsty about how the stupid yoko has complicated my life and caused me so much trouble, woe is me , etcetera, etcetera, so on and so forth. This time, however, I actually start thinking about Kyuubi. Like, what is Kyuubi? How does Kyuubi feel about all this? And other such things.

Most of it was pretty easy.

What was Kyuubi? Kyuubi and all the biju are sentient self-sustaining masses of chakra. Not sure how they were made beyond grandpa Rokudo splitting the Juubi but I really don't care.

How did Kyuubi feel? Kyuubi was pissed off about this whole situation. Getting sealed in the first place counted as Kyuubi's only true defeat seeing as the Shodai died of his wounds. Mostly its the fact that Mito-sama managed to get off the fuinjutsu right after Kyuubi's favorite victory, which was a serious ego buster. Add to that being stuck in a cage for the better part of a century and well... it's a big step down from being the biggest and baddest SOB on the planet.

And so on.

But then something struck me as odd. Well, not really odd so much as something I hadn't noticed before. I'd always assumed, what with the deep voice and all, that Kyuubi was male but I noticed the absence of certain... bits.

That got me thinking about little details that I'd overlooked, how I could never win an argument (even when I had a planned out reason that was fool proof), the mood swings, the tendency toward violence, the short temper, all the little things that I'd just dismissed before, and I came up with only one conclusion...

Kyuubi... was a girl.

-Musings of Uzumaki Naruto


	9. A Poster

**A Poster**

WARNING

By order of Haruno Sakura

Never, ever, under any circumstances introduce Sai to Icha Icha.

Violaters will suffer her wrath.

Survivors will suffer again.

-Poster up in every adult bookstore in the Elemental Nations


	10. A True Tragedy

**A True Tragedy**

The most tragic end for a Shinobi is to lie feeble and helpless in a hospital bed, slowly wasting away, a shell of their former self. To linger for the inevitable end that awaits them with only the memories of what they once were and how far they came only to fall so far. Day after day, night after night, watching the pitying eyes of their loved ones as the image of their hero so utterly totally broken is burned into their memory. They will remember the great deeds, the reputation, the legends, but before that, they will remember the pathetic wretch that person became.

Such an end will not be mine.

I will die, make no mistake. Death is a certainty that all shinobi must come to terms with. True shinobi hold no delusions of immortality or that anything lasts forever. We understand that one day everything we did will mean nothing, that everything we have built and accomplished will be washed away in the flow of time. We understand that all we can do is take the time we have and do everything we can with it before we meet that inevitable end.

But one thing many seem to forget is that we can choose how to meet that end.

I never really understood why the Sandaime chose to fight Orochimaru alone knowing what awaited him or why Tsunade and so many others chose to come out of retirement and took a missions they had no chance of surviving.

Until now.

I choose to die on my terms and to make it mean something... if to no one else than to myself.

-Thoughts of former Hokage Uzumaki Naruto as he lead his friends for one last mission to end a war before it began


	11. The Happenings of Team Naruto: Part 3

**The Most Dangerous Tool  
**

A common belief is that ninja are tools and it's true, however, the common misconception is that we are mindless tools meant to do our master's bidding.

This couldn't be further from the truth and that truth is that shinobi are weapons of the highest caliber, we are sentient weapons. We think, we feel, we choose. Like the masterwork blades Samehada and Ame no Murakumo we choose who wields us and like those blades we can leave and destroy that wielder.

So never lose your humanity because without it you are no better than a simple slab of hammered metal.

-A lesson from Uzumaki Naruto to his students


	12. Do NOT Give Uzumaki Naruto

**Do NOT Give Uzumaki Naruto:**

Explosives

Alcohol (he can't get drunk but no one wants to know what it actually does to him)

Goggles (ZE GOGGLES! ZEY DO NOTHINK!)

Sugar

Sweets

Caffiene or any other form of stimulant

Stink Bombs

Paint or dye

Silly String

Chemistry Sets

The Anarchist Cookbook

Ideas

Icha Icha

BDSM Porn

Yuri Porn

Yaoi Porn

Futanari Porn

Furry Porn

Tentacle Porn

... don't give him Porn PERIOD!

_-Warning poster hung in every break room in Konoha_


	13. Kumo Survivor's Fourth Law

**Kumo Survivor's Fourth Law**

Kidnapping children of enemies in order to add to your own power has been a staple tactic of shinobi since time in memorial. Classically shinobi would target the child of particularly powerful individuals while the child is still young so that it can be molded as the kidnapper sees fit. This tactic, while heartless, has been extremely effective throughout history.

That said, should a village ever attempt such a tactic, they should never get caught and make every possible effort to cover up evidence of their misdeed.

-Thoughts of a Kumo scout investigating reports that Arashigakure had succeeded in kidnapping Rokudaime Hokage's daughter as he stands in the crater that was the village he was to instigate.


End file.
